Prove to your teenager that you care

Parent's care and love often don't reach the teenage heart.

When it comes to communicating with teenagers, parents often face a wall of silence or minimal responses, which can make connecting and understanding each other feel almost impossible. Sometimes this may feel intensely personal, and in some cases it may be, but it's often part of a bigger systemic pressure that needs to be understood. Teens today are navigating a maze of influences—social media, peer dynamics, academic pressures—and they often feel misunderstood or judged when they try to share or even just talk about these experiences.

A 2021 survey by Common Sense Media found that 40% of teens feel “rarely” or “never” understood by adults, including their parents, which only intensifies their reluctance to communicate openly.

Why won't my teenager talk to me?

When teens feel unheard, they tend to shut down even more, avoiding conversations about critical issues like mental health, peer pressure, and their personal struggles. This communication gap not only strains the parent-teen relationship but also leaves teens feeling isolated and unsupported.

Research has shown that teenagers who lack strong empathetic communication with their parents are 30% more likely to experience issues with self-esteem and even engage in riskier behaviors (according to the Journal of Youth Studies).

Without feeling heard, teens may also be more susceptible to outside influences and may even seek validation from less reliable sources, creating an even deeper disconnect between them and their parents.

You might find yourself thinking? "Well, why would they feel unheard? They have never really opened up on these issues?" While this may seem like a reasonable statement, it misses the critical point of this disconnect. Either they have felt like they have opened up, in their limited or subjective way of expressing themselves, or they have transferred this from feeling unheard or seen from other, unrelated areas of the relationship. Remember, from early childhood, children are constantly observing what yields positive or negative outcomes, and they are subtly conditioned by watching your reactions, your language, the way you speak about things - and it impacts their behavior significantly.

How do I get my teenager to talk to me?

Developing active listening and empathy in your parenting approach can be transformative. These skills aren’t about “agreeing” with everything your teen says; they’re about creating a safe space for your teen to express themselves openly and honestly. Here’s how to start:

1. Practice Full Attention Listening:

Active listening means giving your teen your full attention—no distractions, no interruptions. When teens feel they’re genuinely being listened to, they’re more likely to share openly.

Studies published by Child Development Research show that teens who experience active listening from their parents report stronger family bonds and higher trust levels.

Simple steps like making eye contact, nodding, and reflecting back on what they say can signal to your teen that you value their thoughts.

But active listening is more than just hearing, it involves listening to the person and truly trying to absorb what they are saying, not just waiting for your turn to speak, or holding on to your bit until you get a chance. Active listening like this will make them feel respected and valued, as opposed to them feeling agitated, judged or the feeling that parents are assuming the worst of them.

Hot tip: Try your best not to interrupt. Not only will this make communication strained and emotions rise, but it will also lead to more misunderstandings.

2. Use Open-Ended Questions:

Instead of questions that lead to one-word answers, ask open-ended questions that encourage more detailed responses. Questions like, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about...?” create a natural flow for them to share their perspectives.

Research shows that teens who are frequently engaged in open-ended conversations with parents tend to be 25% more resilient in facing social challenges, according to a study by Psychology Today.

If you find that questions like "How did that make you feel?" leads to answers like "I dunno" or "fine, I guess". It might be an indication that they are feeling 'interviewed' or 'on the spot', and may feel uncomfortable with opening up and being vulnerable right off the cuff. To a teenager, this is the equivalent of saying "How are you? Good? Okay now tell me about your biggest dreams and fears". Because of this, it can be helpful to either ask them these open-ended questions only once the conversation is already flowing or allow them time to warm up to a topic before expecting them to just show all of their cards. Unfortunately, most of the time, simply grilling them with questions in an attempt to connect with them will only cause them to retract more.

It is also helpful to note that if the subject matter is not important or valuable to them, they are not going to see the point of engaging in it. Regularly making an effort to engage in conversations around thier interests will drastically improve their willingness and interest in engaging on your interests or on deeper more meaningful topics. Try to find a way to connect questions and conversations to their interests as often as possible.

3. Validate Their Feelings:

Teens’ experiences and emotions can often seem minor or even trivial to adults, but they’re very real to them. In fact, to them, they may seem all-encompassing or dominating their lives. Rather than offering immediate solutions or judgment, validate their feelings first. Try responses like, “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “That sounds really tough.” Validation doesn’t mean you agree with every point; it means you acknowledge their emotions as valid and important, which fosters empathy.

According to The National Center for Family Research, teens who feel emotionally validated by their parents are more likely to exhibit emotional stability and higher self-confidence.

Keep in mind, however, that saying "I understand why you'd feel that way..." followed by "but", can make this kind of validation feel forced or insincere. Parents often feel like they need to immediately offer solutions or immediately correct challenging or problematic views, but don't realize that it can come at the cost of their teens feeling heard, understood or even loved. Even if you don't like what you are hearing, you can listen, understand and see the person behind the speech and thier thoughts and feelings, allow them to feel heard, understood and respected as a person - and challenge or discuss what they are saying in a different time or context, where vulnerability is not at stake.

These two realizations have a powerful impact on their comfortability opening up:

a) You don't have to agree to validate thier feelings, you just need to listen in a way that makes them feel heard and seen.

b) Not everything needs to be dealt with in the immediate present. Sometimes you can listen today and instruct tomorrow.

4. Be Patient and Give Space for Silence:

Sometimes, teens need time to process their emotions before speaking up. A bit of patience and allowing for silence shows respect for their process. Studies in The Journal of Adolescent Research suggest that when parents patiently wait for their teen to open up, it fosters trust and reduces the teen’s resistance to future conversations. Avoid rushing them and let them take the lead in sharing.

Conclusion

Building a foundation of active listening and empathy can improve your relationship with your teen in ways that extend far beyond these conversations. When teens feel that their parents genuinely care and are willing to listen without judgment, they’re more likely to seek guidance and support, especially during challenging times.

What do you do if you're trying, but your teenager isn't interested?

As a parent, there is only so much you can do from your side to lead and guide them without over-parenting. But what about their responsibility? Who is telling them what THEY need to do if parents are expected to be sensitive to vulnerability, give them space and listen without shutting them down?

Well, that's what we built Future Forge for. While our blog and resources help parents to do thier best in the parenting side, our program equips teens themselves with skills in self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and effective communication—providing them with a deeper understanding of themselves and better tools to connect with you.

And we do it in a way that doesn't feel like a lecture, parental pressure or work. We show them the freedom they can find in taking ownership of their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors so that they can actively work on their lives as the driving force - rather than blaming others, circumstances or letting life drag them to and fro.

Curious about how Future Forge can support your teen in becoming more self-aware and emotionally resilient? Take a look at our program, where we help teens gain skills that build confidence, empathy, and self-leadership.

We offer parents free access to Future Forge

If you didn't know, we offer parents completely FREE access to the entire course along with their teen with each purchase. You’ll have access to a duplicated parent portal where you will be able go through the same material as them and do the same activities as them, giving you invaluable insights into their journey.

Click here to learn more about how Future Forge can help foster positive changes in your teen’s personal growth and communication!

Do you feel like you are treading water? Struggling as a parent, or worried about your teenager? We want to hear from you so we can support you better. Reply to this email to let us know if you have any pressing questions, problems or challenges that you'd like us to address on our blog posts.

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